Edit: If you want to add to these glorious list please slide right into my DMs on Instagram: @everythingismarvellous
Pregnancy is a magical time. Renting out your body for nine glorious months. Inside things becoming outside things. Dry things becoming leaking things. Haemorrhoids.
A few years ago, a beloved friend of mine got pregnant. And she told me my first pregnancy secret. A little nugget of information that she only learned through experiencing it. When I mentioned it to other women who had given birth the response was always along the lines of “Oh yes, I completely forgot that happens!”
So, last week, I put a call out across the island of Ireland asking for pregnancy and birth secrets. Over 80 women (and two unexpected men) responded. I have collated them and present them to you now. I call them secrets to make them sound mysterious and sexy. And many of them are (that’s a little joke).
This list is not medical advice. It is a list of things that have happened to some women that no-one really seems to talk about. It is a list of things that might be helpful to know. This list is not for the faint-hearted or for hypochondriacs. Read at your own peril and remember that, ultimately, pregnancy is a gift and none of us really need intact nipples anyway…
Pregnancy Secrets
- Let me open by saying that swollen vagina is a thing. Inner labia bits could start poking out to say hello. Welcome them.
- While we’re in the area, it is possible to get varicose veins on your lady parts. Think of them as veiny friends that itch and hurt.
- There will be discharge. So much discharge. Discharge as far as the eye can see.
- Your pee (and sometimes farts) might smell different. Not necessarily worse, just… different.
- Your gums will probably bleed but they also might recede.
Sex Secrets
- Inexplicably pregnancy can bring on sex dreams. Very vivid sex dreams. And possibly quite old school ones. Teachers you fancied 15 years ago may suddenly appear. Don’t read into it too much.
- Some women experience a massive sex drive once they stop breastfeeding. Other women will decide to never touch another human being again. I salute both groups.
- You may experience stabbing or shooting pains towards your vagina after orgasming – through sex or masturbation. This is because none of us truly escape the clutches of Irish Catholic Guilt.
Labour and Birth (‘Glamour Time’) Secrets
- Vomiting throughout labour can be a thing. It seems to be very rare though.
- After your waters break, you might find yourself gushing out liquid with each contraction. Splish splash!
- Taking gas and air can make you quite windy. But also, pregnancy makes you windy so this is a tough one to prove.
- Tens machines are the business. Beg, steal or borrow one.
- No feeling is as weird as when the baby is hanging halfway out of you between pushes. Feeling shoulders and other bits come out is mad.
- Your placenta might come out a bit raggedy or even in bits. Like a placenta jigsaw. A fun game for all the family to enjoy!
- Episiotomies can be made on an angle towards your thigh. So, before you assume it’s pads chafing your thigh, throw a mirror down there and have a little look!
- This might seem slightly beside the point but bring a power bank – you might be far away from your charger. I know you probably won’t be playing snake during labour but better to be safe than sorry.
- This one I simply had to include word for word: “If you have a smooth pregnancy and labour you’ll be surprised how fine you’ll feel afterwards. I was expecting it to be like recovering from an operation, but you’d go to Coppers like.”
One Token Bowel secret
- More of a shared experience than a secret: Most women commented on the crippling fear that comes with the first poo post-birth. Many recommend stool-softeners/ laxatives/ anusol suppositories. No-one suggested hallucinogens, but I say embrace whatever gets you through this time.
Post-birth body secrets
- Take all the painkillers you are offered leaving the hospital. You might feel like you don’t need the painkillers. This is probably because you’re on painkillers. Take the pills/ prescription.
- Chances are, there will be period-like cramps in the days after giving birth. Think of it as your nether regions saying hello. But, like, a passive-aggressive hello.
- You could potentially need your episiotomy stitches re-done if the stitching is not done well or if it gets infected. This can require tissue to be burnt off with silver nitrate. Put your birth partner in charge of staring down the person who gives you your episiotomy, so they know they must do a good job.
- You can get phantom kicks after you’ve given birth. These are fondly referred to as ‘Fanny Daggers’ (adorable).
- Standing up the days after birth is horrible. Chances are your kidneys and liver aren’t going to fall out of your gaping vagina. But also, one never really knows…
- Your first few periods after bébé comes out might feel like being kicked in the vagina. Even more than usual.
- Your abs might not reknit properly after birth which could give you a little dome. Befriend it. Give it a name.
- If you’re breast-feeding, silver nipple covers are the OG. Compresses also come highly recommended.
- Also, breast feeding makes you sweat. And your breasts radiate heat – basically enough to fry eggs.
- You will most likely experience night sweats right after having the baby. Possibly more so with winter babies. This is because you are hot stuff, and don’t you forget it!
- Post-partum B.O. is a thing. Always hold your baby so you can say it’s them.
- Have a peri/ spritz bottle or a little jug ready to douse your bits whenever you go to the loo.
- Your milk coming in might be heralded by a temperature, chest pains, flu-like symptoms and shortness of breath. Again, this is because you are hot stuff and don’t you forget it!
- You might fart differently. How exciting to wait and find out!
- A lot of fluid comes out of you for quite a while after the birth. It’s not just blood, there’s all kinds of fun stuff in there.
Mental Health Secrets
- There will be crying. At everything. During pregnancy, but also around Day Three or Four onwards after the birth.
- You may have out-of-body experiences during pregnancy, the birth and afterwards. You are not losing your mind (probably). This is a common experience.
- In Ireland, you can request to change your Public Health Nurse if you are not working well together for some reason.
Baby Secrets
- For the first 24 hours of their lives, babies sleep a lot and recuperate after the birth. And then on Day Two, they seem to realise they are not in Kansas anymore. And they have a SHIT FIT. Your second night with your baby might be slightly testing as a result.
- Baby girls can bleed vaginally for a little while after being born.
- Babies can be noisy at night – grunting and generally making little noises.
- Many babies need to get up ‘womb mucus’ after the birth.
- Extractor fans can work a treat for fussy babies. And are handy for 80s style music videos.
The Ultimate Secret
Everyone is shitting themselves (literally and figuratively, AMIRITE?!) so go easy on yourself. Don’t forget about yourself. Phones get accidentally dropped on babies. Mothers forget they have a baby. Women don’t know how to be around their babies.
Yes, women have been doing this for thousands of years, but never with as many other demands on their time. And never with as much pressure. And certainly, never with as many Instagram profiles of women who have it all and are perfect mothers. Good on them. Wish them love and then come join the rest of us who see each day where no-one has died as a raging success. You da bomb!
A Dose of Notions 